Its Easter Sunday and with the way I am feeling the thought just came across me as to Why do I keep having days like this??
I have to be honest and say that I am having a very low day today & I don’t really have a reason Why. Today is the 4th Anniversary of my Mother in Law’s passing and is obviously a sad time for my wife. On the other hand it is the 3rd Anniversary of taking in our first rescue dog. The significance of the dog is that my wife always says that she lost her Mam and Buffy came to help by becoming a companion. I feel the same with Ted (the second rescue dog). I haven’t lost a parent but Ted is such a great companion – he will always be there when you look to your side.
Back on topic – today is one of those down days that I have. On these down days like this there are things that go through my head. It seems that on these down days I have the same thoughts going through my head.
- What happened in Meath River Rescue. Why did I let them do that to me?
- Why do I not hear from my friends?
- Am I doing the right thing with The Lemonade Kart?
- Am I in the right job – should I be doing something else?
Let’s take the first one. I was associated with Meath River Rescue for about 5 years in total. 3 of those years as a volunteer river going member. Having qualified with them as a Swift-water First Responder, this was something I was extremely proud of. To become qualified I had to push myself and overcome certain fears and anxieties. The previous 2 years I had only been helping out doing small admin jobs if I was ever asked to do so. I agreed to join up as a Full Time Volunteer as a way to combat the anxieties that I experienced & the leadership team knew about that. I always consider myself to have certain qualities that I can bring to any particular situation and that would be practical organisation and putting processes in place. This was something I felt MRR needed in spades. The organisation was in bad need of processes being put in place & I felt I was the one to do it. I don’t think the leadership had the same view but there were a few members that were on the same page as me. To me that was a mandate and I went on that as my cause.
Good Times turn to bad…….
I was eventually put in charge of the Facebook page as I was good at the social media – I was elected as Members Rep because I was well liked and a big personality within the organisation. That is when everything started to change. Without getting into the exact specifics (to save the reputation of all involved) I was removed from the Admin of the Facebook Page (without being told) – I was told that members were worried about my mental health and that maybe I wasn’t taking my tablets. A committee vote was to be taken on whether I should remain in the organisation, it was started but never finished. Obviously at that stage I felt unwanted and left of my own accord. Despite many attempted communications with the organisation – the only thing I got in response was a verbal threat to cease any sort of communication with them. I have never been able to come to terms with what happened there because I never got closure. The same people that were in control at that time are still in control today. I have always backed away from officially doing something about it because of the good work that the organisation represents. It is a mush needed community service. However I do feel that an apology should be forthcoming.
On days like this – I constantly look at my phone thinking – where are my friends now? I feel that I am always there for my friends when they need me yet on a low day they are never there for me. I suppose I don’t exactly reach out for their help and I assume that they should send me a message asking how I am. It is up to them to initiate the conversation. There are even friends that I have done so much for that have completely disappeared from my life and I start to wonder – what did I do to deserve that?? I wouldn’t say that the thoughts that I have are completely rational but they must mean something. If I look at them in a rational way I can see that it’s not necessarily their fault for not contacting me – how are they to know that something is wrong if I don’t tell them?? Even though I don’t ask any friends to exercise with me that much I question why my friends don’t ask me. The list of questions are endless and they just keep coming.
Although I know a lot of what I am thinking is irrational I still avoid making any contact with friends because I don’t want to open the floodgates and tell them how I am feeling. As a result the tension builds up in my head and just snowballs.
This can even cause me to want to head to bed to avoid the thoughts. Bed is my cave and I can avoid all the bad things there! Heading to bed has it’s own problems – it’s antisocial for my family and they are the most hurt by my withdrawal.
As anyone who knows me any amount of time they know that I am so passionate about the work that I do on The Lemonade Kart and would never give up on it. On the down days I pick apart what I am doing. Am I doing the right thing and for the right reasons. Why am I not picking up more followers and more recently why bother about picking up followers. I am constantly trying to get local publications and representatives to publish stories about The Lemonade Kart or to make a recommendation on their social media etc. In general it seems to fall on deaf ears and this causes me to question is it me – am I doing something wrong?
Obviously nothing in my life avoids the microscope – I start looking at my job and wonder is that what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?? Yes I am a fixer but I really believe that I am a personal fixer – a situation fixer not necessarily a machine fixer, if that makes sense? I want to work in a job where I am happy and feel a sense of accomplishment – I never got that when I worked for myself and I crave it now more than ever. I want to work with people – where I can see a difference that makes life better for someone. Where a difference can be seen and felt. I want to make a difference to society and some of the negative things that happen in it.
My “go to” person and the one most impacted by my moody days is my wife, Aisling. She is the one that get’s to see me at my worst and more sporadically at my best. Aisling gets bombarded with the “why?” questions when they start going through my head – how do I expect her to have the answers? All Aisling can do for me is give her opinion and let me know the reality of the situation, where that is possible. She tells me that I am doing good with The Lemonade Kart but that I can’t force it on people.
Writing this blog post has helped my get some of the issues off my chest and I can feel the positivity coming back into my head. I know that the coming days will bring a flourish of activity from my side on the different platforms that The Lemonade Kart has. I will do my best to get interaction with followers etc.
The Flip Side
I will make contact with all my close friends and check in to see how they are keeping and to offer help where necessary. Not one for going out so the isolation conditions that we are currently under does not have any negative impact on me especially if I can just go out to the garden for fresh air.
So the merry go round all starts off again. And the next time I get a day like this I will go through all the same again.
I either need to find a solution to the problem or learn that the cycle is just life and become better at coping with the down days.
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